Lowe Vs. Burke, Revisited

Almost three years ago, Kevin Lowe did Brian Burke a favour and signed away Dustin Penner. This act triggered an increasingly embarrassing and very public comparison of cock sizes between the two. It was embarrassing not only because of the inherent immaturity of it all, but also because they weren't so much claiming, "My cock is bigger than yours" but, rather, "Your cock is smaller than mine." Well, that's great and all, but of course the debate is just as valid if theirs also happened to be the two smallest cocks on the playground. (Gary Bettman, of course, holds the title of "Biggest Cock.")


Now where was I again? Oh, right, I was talking about cocks.

Burke claimed that Lowe ran the Oilers into the sewer, and that he was a GM desperate to keep his job. That's hard to debate considering their free-fall following a surprising run to game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. One quibble with Burke's assessment is that Lowe did not need to be concerned with keeping his job, as evidenced by his promotion from GM to President of Hockey Operations. Neither the previous owners or Rexall mogul Daryl Katz seem interested in holding the team's executive brass to account. Lowe's job is secure because, in the Oilers' NHL era, he was their first ever draft pick, scored their first ever goal, won 5 Stanley Cups with them, and has played more games as an Oiler than anyone else. His lofty position has nothing to do with merit or performance in his current role and has everything to do with being one of the Boys on the Bus.


Eventually, Lowe had had enough of Burke's comments to the media and responded with some venom of his own. Lowe called Burke a moron and a media junkie, dismissed the Anaheim hockey market as pathetic, called Bobby Ryan a waste of a draft pick, and argued Burke's M.O. is to deplete a team of its assets before moving on to greener pastures. Phew, I forgot just how dense Lowe's rant was. Too bad he was working with less ammunition than Burke had on him. Looked at today, most of what he bitched about rings false. First, Burke's not a moron -- the dude's got a doctorate in law, after all -- though he certainly is a media junkie. Second, cutting down the Anaheim hockey market was a cheapshot that had nothing to do with anything. Third, Bobby Ryan has more goals this year than any Oiler, just like he did last year when he was a rookie. Some waste. Fourth, Burke left the Canucks with the Sedin sisters, Kevin Bieksa, Ryan Kesler, and Alexandre Burrows, all of whom came into the organization during his tenure. And he left Anaheim with a Stanley Cup banner in the rafters. So, out of all that nonsense, the only zing Lowe connected with is that he's a media junkie. It would seem that Brian Burke's cock is in fact bigger. Or, more appropriately that Kevin Lowe's is smaller.


But, hold on, maybe Burke being a media junkie should be considered more of a significant negative characteristic. Burke has left the relative anonymity of operating in California and is now working out of the focal point of the hockey media. Burke can't take a shit anymore without a live TSN panel praising its fragrant complexities. But, like Lowe said, Burke craves this kind of exposure. And it seems to me it's affecting his business decisions.

One of Burke's first significant transactions as the Leafs' GM was trading two first-round and one second-round draft picks to Boston for a then-injured Phil Kessel, rather than pulling a Penner and signing him away as a restriced free agent. This trade was fucking stupid. Burke said it was a move to push the Maple Leafs into the playoffs, for anything less would be unacceptable. That is the same misguided, impatient management philosophy that has made the Maple Leafs the joke that they are (though at least Burke has updated the strategy to targeting young players rather than guys nearing retirement). And, despite all Burke's bluster, I don't believe for a second that he thought that team could make the playoffs. (And his commitment seems even more artificial now that he's traded away four of the Leaf's top-eight scorers, though he's still been sticking to that same playoffs song and dance for the press gallery.) Kessel's a good goal scorer, but he's not the kind of player who can carry a franchise on his back. That trade was nothing more than Burke sacrificing the team's long-term future to make an immediate splash. A photo opportunity with a second-tier star that will cost the Leafs two very high draft picks.


Meanwhile, in Edmonton, there's a new guy making questionable decisions. Steve Tambellini inherited Lowe's clusterfuck of a gong show of a mess (but not before Lowe gave him the a final gift of signing Shawn Horcoff to one of the most crippling contracts in the league). Steve's three major accomplishments with the Oilers to date have been: 1) signing Khabibulin, which is the equivalent of putting a four million dollar bandage on lung cancer, 2) wasting months in a failed attempt to woo Dany Heatley, and 3) hiring Pat Quinn to chew gum and look confused. But, really, I don't fault Steve. I feel kind of sorry for him. No GM could fix the deep and systemic damages that Lowe has done, at least not until some of the long-term contracts he signed are off the books.

The Oilers' cupboards are bare right now but, as a fan (why the fuck am I still a fan?... there's a topic for a future blog), at least I can take solace in that ineptitude in sports is rewarded on draft day. Lowe's bad decisions will be converted into a great prospect this June. There's a faint glimmer of light on the horizon. Or at least there is in Edmonton. Toronto's just fucked.