I Invite TV Executives to Eat a Bag of Dicks

Like most people who aren't dumb but still watch TV, I hate it when high-quality shows are cancelled while pedestrian junk can stay on the air for a decade (go away, Charlie Sheen and Duckie). Here are five that were killed too soon.

Arrested Development

I actually kinda understand why AD was canceled -- I don't think another sitcom in the history of television required as much dedication and attention from its audience to be fully effective. It's a very layered comedy that relied heavily on in-jokes and subtly delivered double entendres. So it didn't have great ratings (I guess its strong DVD sales don't balance the books). But at least it got three seasons in and was able to go out in its prime with its head held high... meanwhile, King of the Hill is recycling the same handful of stale jokes for a 13th year and The Simpsons will again tarnish its legacy for a 20th (!) season.

Carnivàle

I totally get why this one was shit-canned. The budget was too high and the creator was too stubborn. The plan was to tell an epic story over the course of six seasons, but the curtains on this one closed for good with some huge cliff-hangers at the end of the first and only Act. What a cock tease.

The Dana Carvey Show

Damn you, Dana Carvey, why did you have to go out of your way to upset your sponsors every week? Looking back, there was an incredible amount of talent on this show (seriously, check out the credited writers) and its a goddamn shame it only lasted 6 episodes. If only it had been on HBO instead...

Firefly

This is an infuriating one. FOX sabotaged its own show before the first episode even aired. I remember I was excited back in 2002 to watch the pilot. It was about a train heist and it was pretty good, though a bit confusing. Little did I know at the time that it was actually the third episode because FOX was airing them out of order, and then didn't even bother airing all the episodes that had been filmed. The movie was good, but Whedon was meant for TV. (Hopefully Dollhouse will be another gem.)

Big Guy and Rusty the Boy Robot

This was the most frustrating cancellation of them all. It was, without a doubt in my mind, the ultimate animated adventure show for kids (too bad it came out when I was in my 20s). Fuck the Ninja Turtles and fuck Dungeons & Dragons. Big Guy and Rusty was it. It took some basic story elements from Japanese anime (i.e., mecha, giant monsters attacking cities) and added top-notch Western animation and some great voice acting. Two things that really chap my ass: 1) Like Carnivàle, this one ended with a pretty great cliffhanger. I tuned in the next week but it had been replaced by Digimon. 2) This will never, ever be available on DVD.

...

I should finish by giving due credit to the current execs at ABC. LOST has lost a lot of its viewers over the years but, despite the significant cost of the show, the network is apparently committed to it until the story is complete.